HUB prose: "I could tell from his tone that Chad couldn't believe his ears"

It was a sad weekend for me. No not because I was alone on Valentine’s Day, I don’t even care about such frivolities. I have been feeling that way for a while now. I wake up in the morning and I don’t feel like anything. Times and seasons cease to exist. I suddenly lost interest in the things I used to have interest in and thank goodness for dear friends. “Can we go see a movie?” sweet Jennifer asked in an attempt to cheer me up. I simply made up an excuse not to go. I stayed indoors, awake and doing almost nothing. Flipping through the pages of my favourite books seemed to be a lot of work. Writing anything was even more work. I lay in bed staring at the ceiling intensely as if to find the solution to the world’s biggest problem printed up there.

What is happening to me? What is this sadness that I feel like a sharp pain in my soul? I had no answers to my own question. I couldn’t even discuss it with anyone and pretended like it did not exist. But as much as tried it stayed and was right there like an unwanted pregnancy. I finally spoke to a Psychologist friend who suggested it could be a symptom of depression. “Depression?” I screamed from one end of the telephone like a lady being chased by a ghost.

Sunday was the worst of these recent sad days. It was almost as if the sadness had intensified. I lashed out on everything around me. In the middle of a phone call with a friend I suddenly cried out “I think I am sad because I am afraid”. I can imagine how confused he would have been since that was totally out of context. After a few seconds pause which I assume was to decipher what he just heard, he asked me what I was afraid of. With all the uncertainty in the world I muttered, “I am afraid of what next”. Even I didn’t have a clue what I was saying at that point. I went on to tell him that I currently had no clear picture of what I wanted.

Before now, the picture was crystal clear and I also had directions on how to get to my destination. I could tell from his tone that Chad couldn’t believe his ears. The confusion echoed in his voice like the sound of Cape Town’s wind in spring. “What changed for you?” He asked in all politeness in an attempt to keep me calm. “I have no idea, I don’t know what is happening to me and I don’t like the way I feel”. I knew from that moment that things had to change. How the change will happen, I am yet to know.

It’s Monday morning and I have woken up with a great feeling. A ray of hope that has given me the strength to write this. Is this a sign that anything has changed? (To be continued…). Feeling a certain kinda way about life and your present situation? Try and identify the problem and you’ll be fine. All the best! 

Please stay happy and share the happiness with the world. Xoxo

Excerpts from the draft of my book “Happy Umana: the journey of a small town girl with nothing but a bucket full of dreams”. Coming soon.